Two hippos are sitting in some thick, deep, malodorous mud. One says to the other: "You knowthe trouble with you: You're lazy. You're fat. You're small. And all you do all day is sit in a swamp.
And the other says: "Don't be so bloody hippocritical."
A drunk walks into a crowded pub and takes the last barstool, next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell a horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?
The drunk replies" "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The women says: "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says: "Cos I'm not finished yet ..."
"Doctor, doctor, I need some pills. I've become a kleptomaniac."
"Try these.
And if they don't work, get me a CD player"
"I've been feeling very, very depressed lately. In fact, when I woke up this morning I felt so bad that I decided to kill myself by taking six aspirins."
"What happened?"
"Well after the first two I felt much better."